I was inspired to write about ‘domains and giving due’ after reading a post on DL Hughley’s FB page. He has a podcast where he brings up various relationship issues for public discussion. This was the post:
“A mom became furious after her 6yr old daughter spent the weekend with her father and came back with a drastically different hairstyle. Is the mom over-reacting or was the dad out of pocket for changing his daughter’s hair without consulting the mom?”
It occurred to me that most of the responses online were simple and divisively choosing either one or the other parent to be right or wrong. Hopefully we’re beginning to learn that most conflicting circumstances and people, are much more nuanced, and issues cannot really be resolved by glorifying one person’s standing and diminishing another’s.
How can we view these relational issues differently so we have lasting, transformative, sustainable, solutions?
In our household we decided to set aside the practice of inadvertently assigning or conforming to ‘gender roles’ regarding various relational activities we engage in. We replaced how we see and talk about our activities by understanding them more fully and discussing them in terms of ‘our domains’. I noticed that the subtle underpinnings of disagreements we were having could be resolved by each of us understanding our own chosen (sometimes unspoken, agreed upon) domains and then giving ourselves and each other our due for the responsibility we have assumed for these activities, and the benefits our activities provide.
Okay… that’s a lot. Let me unpack.
We know gender stereotypes are a problem. How do we think about our engagement differently? How do we describe activities we do all the time without gender association? What is a new way to think about ‘roles’ we assume with each other in a way that makes sense and is not diminishing to anyone?
I’m proposing that we consider seeing our activities with each other in the realm of ‘domains’. Replacing stereotypical gender role activity assumptions with the language of ‘domains’ really changes the dynamic. No matter our gender, we can thrive in and take primary responsibility for various activities in our relationships and households. For example, the kitchen and activities in and around the kitchen are part of a domain. Automobile care is a domain. Childcare, home maintenance, emotional awareness within relationships are all domains to name a few. It doesn’t matter who does them.
In our home, the kitchen is my domain. My husband is very involved daily and contributes so well to the functioning of that domain and all it entails. For example, he empties the dishwasher every morning while making his coffee. This sets us up for success keeping dishes out of the sink all day. It’s a huge contribution and he seems to enjoy doing it. And the overall management and maintenance of the kitchen are mine. I will clean and sort the pantry and the fridge for example. I do most of the cooking and Robert does most of the cleaning up. In our kids’ lives, our DIL claims the domain of auto repair and maintenance. Gender has nothing to do with either of these assumed responsibilities. Claiming and managing domains has more to do with what we like to do, what we’re good at, and what needs to be done.
When our responsibilities and contributions within a domain are known and recognized by our family members, and even co-workers, or within other relationships, our own personal ‘standing’ is supported. With responsibility comes engagement and investment in outcomes… investment in the benefit of others’ lives and experiences. When we are focused on and invested in activities that benefit others, that activity must be honored and respected, first by and for ourselves and then by those who are benefitting. This is where giving and receiving our due comes in.
How does all of this relate to DL Hughley’s question about the mother being upset about her child coming back from the child’s father’s home with a different hair style? It’s likely that the mother is fully invested in her child’s hair… washing, styling, products, all the things that go along with maintaining her child’s hair. Assuming she has claimed this domain from the beginning, her focus has benefited the father who has not had to concern himself with this activity on a day-to-day basis. His jumping into ‘her domain’ with no communication or respect and acknowledgement that it is her domain, is what’s caused the rift. And he is the child’s father, and of course has a right to tend to his child’s hair. To be clear, this example has nothing to do with gender. Speaking in terms of ‘domains’ would fit perfectly well if the father had assumed this activity also.
Can you see how different it would have been had he ‘given due’ to his child’s mother by mentioning it and thanking her for tending it all this time? Letting her know he wanted to change the style… giving her a head’s up and running it by her would have gone a long way. She may have reasons that it’s not a good idea, or she could choose to say ‘Cool’! Thanks!’ One less thing she has to do. But not giving her due is the issue. Not acknowledging that this is her domain that the family, including the father, has been willingly benefiting from all along is the problem. He has ‘taken’ her contribution without acknowledgement. She’s been dismissed. He dismissed her. This is not right relationship. It’s disrespectful to her investment, contribution and diminishes the standing she has earned and deserves.
It’s easy to see how swaths of our community along with their contributions in so many domains are upset about not receiving their due for all their investment of time, energy, and focus we’ve all benefited from.
Understanding what our claimed domains are, and those of others in our relationships, is first step to being respectful and giving due to those whose primary effort manages and maintains healthy domains that we benefit from. And it eliminates stereotypical gender-based assumptions and references.
The management and nurturance of domains by people in our lives deserves our mindfulness and respect. It’s important to our own Spirits to be thankful for what we’ve received and taken from others, and it completes the natural circle of giving and receiving that is part of our nature.
The realm of domains applies in all aspects and relationships in our lives. What are your domains? What are the domains of important people in your life that you benefit from? Are you receiving your due for your responsibility and efforts? Are you giving due to those whose efforts benefit you?
Beautifully articulated!